So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
