I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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