you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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