Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
