i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
