You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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