I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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