I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Your cock deserves a montage
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
