don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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