Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
