I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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