life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
