that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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