my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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