ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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