Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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