He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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