new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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