Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
