Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
