I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
