T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
