I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
