dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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