Your dad touched me again.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
