If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize