dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
