My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
