I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize