It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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