why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
