thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
stop calling my apartment porn island.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
