i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
