Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
