dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Sober January is a disaster.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
