My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
