I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
