The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
