Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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