My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
