there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
