Whatcha textin bout Willis?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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