I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
