I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
