Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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