tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
