Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
