That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
