Soap is not a condiment
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
