evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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