I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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