i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i drank out of a bidet.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
