if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
