Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
This baby is an asshole
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
