Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
