Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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