Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
