eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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