i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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