we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize