Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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