I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
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