Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
birth control should be required to get into college
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
