i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
