Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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