I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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