Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
