if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You've changed since you got that strap on
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
