I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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